Sweet Revenge
by Kracken l.w
Summary: Duo's driven off Quatre's cook for the last time. Rashid manages against all odds to find someone, and the prank war is on. Old story, taken down, demolished, and rebuilt. Please tell me if it was even worth the effort.
1. Chapter 1

Sweet Revenge

By Kracken

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing; I admit it. I also don't own a car, house, or anything of value.

You can have my computer if you have a fetish for overlarge paperweights.

Other than that, it's not worth suing me for anything.

Prologue: _Somewhere in the depths of the Winner mansion. . ._

"I can't take it anymore! Far be it from me to criticize my master's guests, but this is the last straw. I QUIT!"

Rashid sighed and wondered if just this once he should have let the young Pilot fend for himself. After all, he faced much worse things than irate chefs every time he entered Sandrock. However, if he did not want to eat his own cooking, he was going to have to do the impossible. Find a cook who would put up with Duo Maxwell.

Two days later:

"You!" Rashid immediately leapt to his feet. His visitor merely smiled. "Now, now, Rashid. There's no reason to be hostile. I promise I'm not here to do anything other than cook." He dropped heavily into his chair, debating whether or not he should summarily dismiss her from his office without even a trial period. On the one hand, he knew she was dangerous, with capabilities he probably didn't know about; and, come to think of it, probably didn't _want_ to know about. On the other hand, she could be very useful for preventing unwanted contaminants in the kitchen. Trying to poison the Winner heir was still a favorite past time for some people in these parts… He sighed, after all, the worst she could do was kill them all, right?

"State your qualifications please." She smiled again and began her list. "Two years of private tutoring by Chef Jean-Claude Demarrie, four years at the Masters of International Cuisine private university on the Mediterranean, and another two years as senior apprentice to the head caterer of the Carrera Catering Co. You know the other one." It was all Rashid could do not to stare in utter astonishment. "You have proof of your credentials?" She raised an eyebrow and handed him a sheaf of papers. Every thing was in order. He didn't bother to ask for a background check. It was no good, because other than what she'd just told him and what he already knew, they'd never find anything. Still, he could not help but admire the excellence of her culinary education. From what he'd read just now, She'd been first in her class at MICU, the most renowned university of the culinary arts anywhere, on earth or the colonies. Not to mention the fact that Monsieur Demarrie was well known for his refusal to teach any but the best. His name was still spoken of with awe even though he'd been dead now for five years.

Which brought up another question, how old was she? Best to find out now, for while child slavery was still a common problem in this part of the world, Winner policy stated that no one under age sixteen was to be hired in any position. Either to the family or the corporation. "One last little formality if you please, before you can begin your trial period. What is your current age and occupation?" She grinned. "Horticulturist, and as to my age…17" She laughed at his shocked expression. "That's right, Rashid. My training began at the tender age of seven and a half." Complete silence filled the room for the space of several heartbeats as Rashid assimilated what he'd just been told. Perhaps it was a good thing the old cook had walked out. Never mind her alternate occupation; he knew for a fact that there were only perhaps three more people on earth with training like hers, maybe two more in the colonies, but none of them had all of her achievements. They might very well be about to acquire the most talented chef in the known universe. There was just one little problem… "How do you feel about pests in the kitchen?"

(A/n: this is one of my first stories, it's been taken down for some severe revamping, and ratings may go up do to changes in some of the pranks. I will be reposting the changed chapters as I have the time.)

Please Review.


	2. Chapter 2

**Of **Kitchen **Pests & Cleavers**

By Kracken l.w.

Disclaimer: I don't own GW but I do own the cook, so please ask before you use her.

A/n: I know it's not particularly funny yet, but I promise it will get there. . . eventually.

The next day:

"It's final, you're officially hired. Any questions?" "Only one, will my … conditions, be met?" "Glass houses one and two are being emptied for your convenience right now." She smiled; getting Rashid to let her bring her collection of poisons and antidotes with her to the estate was a major accomplishment. Especially seeing as he knew from personal experience the true extent of her collection.

Flashback "_Master Quatre? Master Quatre!" Rashid stared in horror as the fifteen year old boy collapsed onto the tarmac. He was even more horrified when he realized the child was bleeding from every pore. He knew of only one person in range who could help them, distasteful as it might be; not even mentioning the fact that she might be responsible in the first place. There was a stranger, new come to the town; and what little he'd managed to dig up just reeked of some type of assassin. She had not denied it, merely smiled and changed the subject when one of the Maguanacs confronted her. _

"_Ahmed! Get the jeep, we have to hope _She _might actually decide to help." He liked the idea not at all; but if this was what he thought it was, she could well be Master Quatre's only hope. _Rashid shuddered at the memory. That little incident had been only a week or so ago; and it was worth anything to him to avoid a repeat performance. Even if it meant giving up his own hot house roses.

While Rashid took a brief stroll down memory lane, Eileen took her leave and headed back to the kitchen, grinning in anticipation as she noted the new corkboard door. It must have been installed this morning. Kitchen pests beware. Now she really must see to the Chinese boy's request for lunch. A quiet, polite young man. Unusually so if everything she'd heard about him was true. But then, Rashid would have briefed the pilot about her past and the fact that irritating her could result in a prolonged visit to the infirmary. Whatever the reason, he had been on his best and most courteous behavior when he came to request a special dish. This was easy, as she had quite literally been trained in the culinary arts of EVERY culture known to man. She even knew a few recipes for long pig, though she never wanted to have to use them. On the other hand, the "kitchen pest" didn't know that; and what he didn't know she would _definitely_ use against him! She really couldn't wait till the other three pilots got back from their various missions. Then things were going to get interesting.

Outside, an hour later:

They came across Wufei first thing after they got back. He was sitting by Quatre's pool, enjoying his lunch, the peace and quiet with Duo gone, and rereading The Art of War. Rather, he _was_ enjoying the peace and quiet. Until Duo snuck up behind him and shrieked "Hiya Fei!" at the top of his lungs. He flinched, sighed, and prepared to murder the American as fast as possible to get back to his book. His lunch nearly did it for him. "Wufei, what are those?" Maxwell looked distinctly green. "Pigeon egg soup with dumplings, lotus roots, and pine kernels with a side of rice and a few pickled mallows." He answered succinctly. "I was quite pleased to find that Quatre's new cook is well versed in Chinese cuisine."

Yuy raised his eyebrows. "New cook?" Wufei snorted. "Yes. The old one decided that he could no longer put up with Maxwell's idiocy." The idiot in question grinned. "I think I'll just go introduce myself." As he bounced merrily down the path towards the kitchen, Wufei turned to Heero and smirked. "Rashid also warned me that she is unforgiving of pests." He chuckled, then noted casually, as the others wandered off. "Oh, and Yuy, you might want to see if she can prepare those sweetmeats you were looking for." "…Hn" The Japanese pilot sauntered off, thinking it was a good thing only Chang knew about his addiction to those things, the others would tease him unmercifully if they found out. Even Trowa could be evil about things like that if you caught him at the wrong time. Still, it had been ages since he'd had one…

Duo slipped carefully through the kitchen door, after cautiously noting the fact that it swung more lightly on it's hinges than he remembered. A change to allow for easier pursuit of miscreants like himself perhaps? Oh well, it wouldn't help the man catch him any more than the new latch had helped to keep him out. He got his first surprise when a better look at the new chef proved it to be a woman, and a bigger surprise when, as he headed back towards the door with a purloined sugar cookie, a cold voice right behind him said "Nice try Maxwell." Oh shit, time to go. He took off running and slammed the kitchen door behind him. Just in time for a large carving knife, thrown as he made his escape, to penetrate through the door approximately three inches above his left shoulder. "Holy shit!" He took off down the hall, followed every step of the way by the near hysterical laughter of the other four boys who had followed him to see what would happen. "So that's why she asked for the new door." Rashid mused as he watched from a short distance further down the hallway.

Later that day:

"Duo? It's time for dinner." "I'm not coming down." "Why not?" Slowly the bedroom door opened, and Quatre stared in bemused horror at Duo's hair. It was now a bright, metallic purple. "Of course you know, this means war." He growled.

Author comments: That's it for today! Read and review, yadda yadda yadda, you know the drill…


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